The Saddest Music in the World

Another year has come for the Eurovision Song competition, and once again the most saccharine of songs was announced the winner. This show, which I have haphazardly follow these last three years since they've started to put on the internet live, is a time where Europe (and Israel, who gets in on a "The Middle East hates us" technicality) comes together to publicly embarrass themselves through horrible songs. It's essentially Karaoke on a large scale. As an example of the quality of music, let me give you the opening lines and the chorus to this years winner, from Norway.

"Years ago, when I was younger
I kinda liked a girl I knew
She was mine, and we were sweethearts
That was then, but then it's true
[chorus]
I'm in love with a Fairytale, even though it hurts
Cause i don't care if I lose my mind, I'm already cursed".

What? What? Alexander Ryback, I realize English probably like your 8th language, but not only do these lyrics not really make sense, but they somehow eclipse cliche and go to some weird dark realm of confusing. It's like I'm back in freshman studio-workshop class at Iowa. He says that the song was influenced by Russian fairy tales- which make sense seeing as though those always end so happily and have such sweet characters as Koschei the Deathless and Baba Yaga. I guess that's the cursed part? The photo is him as he is announced the winner. I think his face portrays the perfect balance of joy in winning and pain in how horrible his creation is. This photo would be an amazing front cover to any new edition of Dr. Frankenstein.

While the winner's home country gets the economic boost of host the competition the next year, with all the pomp and circumstance the now week long event holds, The people who win this don't really win anything. There's pride sure, a small boost in sales from downloaded singles, and the possibility of having a better chance at international stardom.

However,looking at the list of winners, I know three whose success has allowed them any kind of international status that lasts longer than the following 2 weeks of Eurovision. Abba (74 Waterloo) Celine Dion ( 88 "some french bullshit") and Katrina and the Waves (97 "Love Shine a Light"). Besides the fact that Celine Dion took another few years and a language switch to become famous, she represented Switzerland. How this happened I don't know since she's not... you know...Swiss. I'm pretty sure she barged in and punched out whoever was supposed to represent the Swiss and they are so neutral they just decided to run with it rather than incur her wrath. On the flip side of to soon Celine is to late Katrina and the Waves, whose moment had passed 12 years before their when with their biggest hit "Walking on Sunshine." The song is a big hunk of cheddar and Katrina looks every bit what your mom would dress as if someone told her she was singing in a "rock" concert. The leather, the stupid green blouse, the velvet coat. the hair. all in all very Joyce Summers circa "Band Candy".

One of the big criticisms against the Eurovision contest, besides that the songs are almost all completely horrendous and the fact that noone anywhere near the top of their game really deigns to be a part of it, is the fact that people use tricks to distract the audience from the actual quality of the song in order to get pizazz points. "What kind of tricks" you might ask? Well how about Dita Von Tess, an ice skater , space Nazis (my personal favorite), or whatever you want to call these hot messes. As for the ice skating one, after some searching for that particular breed of mullet to make sure (yes, I watch figure skating on a regular enough basis to recognize some folk), I confirmed the blond was Evgeni Plushenko. Plushenko is like the Brett Farve of men's figure skating, to the point that he's even coming out of retirement to win Russia another olympic gold in 2010, so one can be sure that he carried that god forsaken song to number one. To add to that ridiculousness of the ice skating video, is it just me or is that violin player the Russian equivalent of Ritchie Sambora?


Watching these videos it appears that you only need 3 out of 6 things to be a fan favorite at Eurovision:
A. Outrageous costuming.
B. Dance/Stage show that is completely unnecessary
C. Awesomely sweet (meaning both "oh sweet! i love this" and "ow my tooth hurts") beat
D. Bare chest and tight clothes/Barely there clothing (male/female)
E. Nonsensical lyrics in english so that more people that just your country understands the song.
F. Decent looking singer.

Taking all this into account, I don't know how Azis has never gotten into Eurovision on his own ( he did backup once for someone else once).This photo alone fulfills 3 out of 6 and he hasn't even moved or opened his mouth yet

All in all, I love Eurovision and will continue to support its rape of my ears ( which really negates it as rape since I consent. Unless of course I call it "not rape") While I wish that America were able to participate, I fear that it cannot be so. Besides the fact that we aren't actually Europe, we just don't have the minds for it. I believe as a nation we approach any international competition, be it Olympics, war, etc. the same way. We must be the best and we will do whatever atrocities we need to to get our end results. We cannot have the same air of frivolity that these other nation's songs seem to suggest. the closest example is Great Britian, who this year coaxed Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a song and then just fished around of the best singer. If that means having Kanye West and the lead singer of The Killers combine with the reanimated corpse of Kurt Cobain in order to create a song that is statistically impossible to not like. All you need is this photo to prove that we're more ready than a Disney Girl from the mid nineties-mid two thousands to destroy our reputation.