Meredith Grey is a crazy alcoholic.

I want to discuss something near and dear to my heart, which for last four years has been a constant study of mine, and that is the unaddressed fact that Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy is a massive alcoholic. However, the show doesn't seem to acknowledge that they have created "the Perfect Storm" of alcoholics. Let's take a stroll together down the symptoms.

First off, there's family history. Most alcoholics either have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, or blame it on a really shitty environment growing up. Meredith is so special she needs both. Her father's involvement in the show is two fold. Thatcher either shows up to A, rub it in/apologize for the fact he was not around much. B, and more importantly, to be a drunken asshole and embarrass his daughter and himself. He obviously fills our genetic portion. Meredith's resistance toward the end of the last season to acknowledge his attempts at recovery just set us up for her own collapse, where Thatcher will come in with experience and wisdom to get Meredith through her alkie-crisis.

Then of course, there's the infamous Ellis Grey.

Not since Mommie Dearest has one woman caused inflicted more emotional damage on the world than Ellis Grey. She cheated on her husband, which along with being totally career obsessed drove daddy Thatcher away.( ps Ellis and Thatcher? can we get some real names for these people.) She proceeded to neglect her daughter and refuse her husband the right to see their child, making sure she had NO parent who cared for her well-being. After a nice bout of Alzheimer's, her mother miraculously wakes up and is totally lucid, and delivers possibly the greatest moment in this show EVER. She decides that since Meredith hasn't taken over the world yet she sucks and calls her a disappointment. Some day I hope my mother comes back to life after a debilitating coma or the like and says something as devastating, but I fear this will never happen. The fact that her mother refers to her as a "force of nature" makes me thing she's in on my perfect storm theory.

Speaking of stress- bitch works in a hospital. Not a normal "my leg broke" hospital. Not even a "semi-serious surgery every so often hospital". No, she works in a "There's an active bomb in my chest" kinda hospital. The amount of actual death and disease drama that goes on is almost as much as the emotional bullshit drama that she adds to her life by being fucking crazy. How does Meredith deal with stress? With straight tequila shots, no salt no lime. In a recent episode, Meredeth's fiancee, aka McDreamy aka Patrick Dempsey, basically mutilates a patient's brain before he kills her. He then tries to beat the shit out of his best friend. How does Meredith deal with this? she brings him home, takes out the tequila, and they go shot for shot in COMPLETE SILENCE.

Merideth's romantic relationships also follow in the same vein. How she met McDreamy and how she spent her last night before her residency are wrapped up into one nice little flashback of her ordering shots of tequila at the bar...alone. I mean, her next day is her first day of her residency but does that stop her from drinking till she feels pretty? No. It's amazing to note the lines "I'm always sorry in the morning." and "I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar". The ease in which she delivers them makes one think she's gotten more than her fair share of free drinks out of those two lines alone. When she and her boyfriend break up for the first time she, to quote wikipedia, " gets drunk and has sex with George, only to cry in the middle of the encounter." I'm pretty sure every episode of Intervention I've ever seen with a female alcoholic had her sleeping with alot of gross guys on accident and then crying about it. While Meredeth's drunk goggles are pretty decent since hey, George may be whiny but he's not pour bleach in the eyes kind of ugly, They're also fictional. If it were real life, she would have probably slept with half of Seattle by now, and not the pretty ones.

Alcoholism doesn't effect just the alcoholic either. It effects everyone around them... but mainly, it effects Christina Yang. Here's a photo of Sandra Oh from before she really started spending her life putting up with Meredith Grey's bullshit.

And here is a screenshot from this year's season finale.
Obviously- it's a problem that's effecting us all. Everyone except for Shonda Rhimes that is. She's been throwing horrible plot points into the show for the last two years and then pretending they never happened once the audience reacts badly (remember that fun time George and Izzie dated for a bit? either do they). I cannot understand why Rhimes would have such an story arch that would take up at least of season of Meredith's crying and just let it sit there. I can only hope that she reads this and gets on it, mainly because I really want to see Meredith fall asleep in a puddle of her on vomit at the hospital's grounds while they play a soft ballad by the band Stars.

If One Must Gossip...II

Another week has gone by and gentle reader, and between taking in the newest installments in the Metropolitan Museum of Art (a hint, friends. skip the Model as Muse exhibit and attend the Bacon retrospective on a day when they common masses are not polluting your viewer pleasure by crowding each photograph with gaping mouths) and having the honor of viewing a great meeting of minds, I have taken it upon myself to assemble another cheat sheet to the whos, whats, whens, and wheres of the week, so that you may not find yourself suddenly without topic during conversation. Such as one Charles Allamange did when introduced to Madame Grand. Due to small skill I was able to learn from my childhood summers in Venice, I was able to jot down a quick sketch of her reaction to his sad attempt at conversation.


Esteemed actor and avid opponent of candid photography Sean Penn has rescinded his declaration of freedom by dismissing his petition for divorce from his wife, Robin Wright Penn. This marks the second time in three years that the Penn's have proceeded with a divorce and subsequently changed their minds (a move known among drawing rooms in the South as "The Catholic Shuffle"). Sources very close to myself have revealed, during a soiree over a few bowls of a most delightful gin spirit, that the relationship has been rockier than the state of British Raj, as Sean realized that Robin may have been a quick fix to fill the hole left by his abandonment of religious idolatry but was unfortunately entangled by the news of a little Penn before he could express his true feelings. Just goes to show you, ladies & gentlemen, that violence, even metaphoric violence like the shotgun wedding, never solves an issue for good.

Just as the sometimes brash Alec Baldwin, of whom everyone was finally forgetting his scandalous voicemail to his daughter from a year ago, was getting on the good side of the general public, he has now been banned from visiting the Philippines after a small joke about procuring a Filipino mail order bride. In the interest of full disclosure, I also am banned from entering the country and sympathize with Mr. Baldwin. During an charity event, I attempted to correct the Filipino Ambassador at the time, Benjamin Romualdez, about the origins of the dish Pepper Steak. After a heated exchange over the validity of his mother as a source, I proclaimed that only a nation of imbeciles would use the yo-yo as an example of their inventiveness, let alone as a weapon, and that the islands main achievement was in succeeding to be so sufficiently awful that the majority of the medical professionals run to the West as soon as they can. Needless to say I was promptly hit in the head with a yo-yo the ambassador had concealed from security and have washed my hands of the nation since. However, if history is any example, Alec will be welcomed back soon. Imelda Marcos spent the entire nation's GDP on shoes and chunky necklaces as part of a 20 year regime, and was only ousted from the country for seven years or so.

In art news, every freshly engaged couple who only wished they could find a photographer who was as good as Annie Leibovitz (who, will being one of the two photographers they know by name, is a better choice than the alternative...Anne Geddes) may now be able to get the real deal. Ms. Liebovitz has been struggling under the strain of unpaid bills due to a disastrous housing renovation. While Ms. Liebovitz was able to overcome her short-term problems by signing away the rights to all of her work she has done or will ever do, She now faces lawsuits from debt collectors who have been waiting in the wings who are tired of waiting and are prepared to cause Ms. Liebovitz to undergo the ghastly process of filing for bankruptcy.

Lastly, While some Parliament Members, Society Mavens, Journalistic bastians and myself have been down on the whole concept of twitter as of late, The website has discovered a way in which to redeem themselves. Faced with the problem of having to spend her says in the hospital for what her people have called a "routine check-up" that for some reason involves a few nights stay, Dame Elizabeth Taylor has boarded the Twitter coach and is glamorously giving us tid-bits of her personal life. While This contributor of Ladies Ampersand Gentlemen still encourages you to avoid the demon-website's advances and to engage in proper conversation in person or by polite 12 page, quill written epistles when unable to meet, I will be checking Dame Taylor's Twitter periodically for such gems as "When in Rome, check out my jewels at the Bulgari retrospective at Il Palazzo delle Esposizioni, the brand's first in 125 years." "Also...my jewelry is on display at Cartier in NYC this month to celebrate their 100th anniversary in America." and "Just saw "Twilight" on DVD. I want more!" For those interested I am currently planning a Twilight viewing party with White Diamonds herself.

I am now off to board a private plane leaving LaGuardia at 1:45 am for Monaco. I have private brunch date with Albert II, or Albie as I know him, and I will drink Bloody Marys off the West balcony and discuss a new plan for the World Music Awards in an effort to make them both prestigious and not so terribly boring. I will make sure my first missive upon arrival home will be to you, my dear friends,

Ta-

The Saddest Music in the World

Another year has come for the Eurovision Song competition, and once again the most saccharine of songs was announced the winner. This show, which I have haphazardly follow these last three years since they've started to put on the internet live, is a time where Europe (and Israel, who gets in on a "The Middle East hates us" technicality) comes together to publicly embarrass themselves through horrible songs. It's essentially Karaoke on a large scale. As an example of the quality of music, let me give you the opening lines and the chorus to this years winner, from Norway.

"Years ago, when I was younger
I kinda liked a girl I knew
She was mine, and we were sweethearts
That was then, but then it's true
[chorus]
I'm in love with a Fairytale, even though it hurts
Cause i don't care if I lose my mind, I'm already cursed".

What? What? Alexander Ryback, I realize English probably like your 8th language, but not only do these lyrics not really make sense, but they somehow eclipse cliche and go to some weird dark realm of confusing. It's like I'm back in freshman studio-workshop class at Iowa. He says that the song was influenced by Russian fairy tales- which make sense seeing as though those always end so happily and have such sweet characters as Koschei the Deathless and Baba Yaga. I guess that's the cursed part? The photo is him as he is announced the winner. I think his face portrays the perfect balance of joy in winning and pain in how horrible his creation is. This photo would be an amazing front cover to any new edition of Dr. Frankenstein.

While the winner's home country gets the economic boost of host the competition the next year, with all the pomp and circumstance the now week long event holds, The people who win this don't really win anything. There's pride sure, a small boost in sales from downloaded singles, and the possibility of having a better chance at international stardom.

However,looking at the list of winners, I know three whose success has allowed them any kind of international status that lasts longer than the following 2 weeks of Eurovision. Abba (74 Waterloo) Celine Dion ( 88 "some french bullshit") and Katrina and the Waves (97 "Love Shine a Light"). Besides the fact that Celine Dion took another few years and a language switch to become famous, she represented Switzerland. How this happened I don't know since she's not... you know...Swiss. I'm pretty sure she barged in and punched out whoever was supposed to represent the Swiss and they are so neutral they just decided to run with it rather than incur her wrath. On the flip side of to soon Celine is to late Katrina and the Waves, whose moment had passed 12 years before their when with their biggest hit "Walking on Sunshine." The song is a big hunk of cheddar and Katrina looks every bit what your mom would dress as if someone told her she was singing in a "rock" concert. The leather, the stupid green blouse, the velvet coat. the hair. all in all very Joyce Summers circa "Band Candy".

One of the big criticisms against the Eurovision contest, besides that the songs are almost all completely horrendous and the fact that noone anywhere near the top of their game really deigns to be a part of it, is the fact that people use tricks to distract the audience from the actual quality of the song in order to get pizazz points. "What kind of tricks" you might ask? Well how about Dita Von Tess, an ice skater , space Nazis (my personal favorite), or whatever you want to call these hot messes. As for the ice skating one, after some searching for that particular breed of mullet to make sure (yes, I watch figure skating on a regular enough basis to recognize some folk), I confirmed the blond was Evgeni Plushenko. Plushenko is like the Brett Farve of men's figure skating, to the point that he's even coming out of retirement to win Russia another olympic gold in 2010, so one can be sure that he carried that god forsaken song to number one. To add to that ridiculousness of the ice skating video, is it just me or is that violin player the Russian equivalent of Ritchie Sambora?


Watching these videos it appears that you only need 3 out of 6 things to be a fan favorite at Eurovision:
A. Outrageous costuming.
B. Dance/Stage show that is completely unnecessary
C. Awesomely sweet (meaning both "oh sweet! i love this" and "ow my tooth hurts") beat
D. Bare chest and tight clothes/Barely there clothing (male/female)
E. Nonsensical lyrics in english so that more people that just your country understands the song.
F. Decent looking singer.

Taking all this into account, I don't know how Azis has never gotten into Eurovision on his own ( he did backup once for someone else once).This photo alone fulfills 3 out of 6 and he hasn't even moved or opened his mouth yet

All in all, I love Eurovision and will continue to support its rape of my ears ( which really negates it as rape since I consent. Unless of course I call it "not rape") While I wish that America were able to participate, I fear that it cannot be so. Besides the fact that we aren't actually Europe, we just don't have the minds for it. I believe as a nation we approach any international competition, be it Olympics, war, etc. the same way. We must be the best and we will do whatever atrocities we need to to get our end results. We cannot have the same air of frivolity that these other nation's songs seem to suggest. the closest example is Great Britian, who this year coaxed Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a song and then just fished around of the best singer. If that means having Kanye West and the lead singer of The Killers combine with the reanimated corpse of Kurt Cobain in order to create a song that is statistically impossible to not like. All you need is this photo to prove that we're more ready than a Disney Girl from the mid nineties-mid two thousands to destroy our reputation.

If One Must Gossip...

While retiring to my chic chaise for an evening of staying up to reset my circadian rhythms, which one is want to do when one has such a busy social calender as myself. I received an invitation to, if I could fit it in my busy schedule of taking in some local spirits at the classiest of establishments and artfully maneuvering my way through the business world, help the fine purveyors of this blog with with social needs. While dear Mr and Ms Ampersand can take you through how to behave in a social setting, it shall fall upon Scott and myself to supply you with what to discuss once you get there. I hope to be able to come to your aide to give you the knowledge for polite conversation of current issues, but not so current as to appear crass and one of the sad denizens of the Internet who frantically reload their favorite institutions of information. Be forewarned. only people of merit who have preformed an action that deems them worthy of the honor that comes with being featured in the annuls of Ladies Ampersand Gentlemen shall be discussed.

Someone who could use a good peek at our dear blog is one Gwyneth Paltrow. In her quest to be the classiest of ladies she has instead confused the idea of class with, how does one put this politely, being an arrogant bitch? Thankfully the good people at Daily Intel had time to take to note some of her previous offenses. She is been recently making headlines with her newest targets. Fat people and Scarlet Johanson. We'll take these on one at a time:

1) Gwyneth, most likely in a way to promote her new lifestyle website with the unfortunate name "GOOP" and her chain of gyms that are rumored to be failing before they even open, wishes to have a "intervention" for her only elephantine friend, Mario Batali. I'm sure he won't be insulted when you propose he uses some of your recipes like "Burnt to a crisp Bruschetta with no toppings", "Bowl of raw artichokes with a lemon wedge" and "Piece of zucchini with a cherry tomato." Instead of the recipes that made him a world renowned chef. If there is one thing that a person who has devoted their life to the cultivation of an art form, it's to be told they are doing it wrong by an amateur.

2)According to the Sun, Gwyneth is not happy that Scarlett Johanson is on the set of Iron Man II. While it is obvious that the Sun has chosen a side by the fact that Scarlett looks like something a gentlemen (or a lady, be she into that kind of thing) might have procured on Craigslist before they removed the "erotic services" link, it is interesting to note the problems she has with her. Sources say that Scarlett is "demanding of the crew" and "[Scarlett and Gwyneth]..have not developed a close friendship on the shoot" Apparently her grievance is that Scarlett is working or, to quote the classy people of reality t.v., "not here to make friends". Also takes crew away from listening to Gwyneth's demands. I am going to go out on a limb and say that Scarlett disagreed with Gwyneth on the idea that a jumpsuit is one of the 5 things every woman needs and Gwyn took offense.

While the Newspaper slowly dies, a discussion has slowly been gaining speed around cigar and tea parlors alike that while you may be able to get all your news via Internet blogs, it might not be such a good idea to trust the masses with such power. While literacy and proper training kept the unruly masses from overtaking the news of the past, Twitter is demonstrating time and time again that the Internet is no safe place to be out in unprotected. It's most recent victim was Patrick Swayze. After a radio station in Jacksonville, FL. claimed him to have departed this mortal coil, Twitter spread the news like wildfire to the point where his representation had to refute the claim. Had the proper barriers been in place, Reporters would have realized the news to be false since they would realize that a Jacksonville morning radio "host" is just a man with a communications degree from a local community college.

As the economy claims another victim, Paulina Porizkova has been ungraciously removed from her seat at the judging table on America's Next Top Model, by phone, on her birthday. ANTM scholar Rich Juzwiak has been chronicling her tirade against Tyra Banks (a gentleman lets the easy pun pass by, but comments on its existence least he be thought dim to not see it). Paulina, unlike the judges before her, is not taking the loss lightly and is giving weight to the rumors of polite society that Tyra Banks is in all reality a alien creature that feeds on your attention.

Television stations have for the most part announced their fall line ups. Some babes fell to the great plague known as "the Recession" (Kings, Terminator-The Sarah Connor Chronicles) and other shows which have seen their glory go by are sent, like the great French Lords and Ladies before them, to the guillotine (Prison Break, Samantha Who, King of the Hill, The Unit). The Napoleon of ABC, Ugly Betty, having failed to regain its former glory, is being banished to the Saint Helena of television- a Friday night time slot. Other shows are tactfully attempting a repatriation into other networks since they were cut for no apparent reason, having preformed better than the shows who have been assured a spot in the fall line up. Among these shows Medium, starring Patricia Arquette of the Motherfucking Crazy Arquettes, and My Name is Earl. A full list of those renewed and deceased is provided.

To end, I provide you with the first addition of Classy People in Classy Places. I came across David Hyde Pierce speaking at the Broadway Impact Gay Marriage Rally on Sunday. In true form he did not disappoint with his timeless wit. Truly, only a gentlemen can pull off speaking at a political rally without feeling to need to raise his voice.

Till we find ourselves again in a dark corner of the room, four punch glasses into the night,