It's that time of year again- time for sequins and time for techno. For minor celebrities to grace us with their face and for young boys to accidentally come out while screaming along to club song. That's right- Eurovision starts up in Oslo. I've taken the time, in between bouts of Internet as mine is cut off for reasons beyond my control for the past month, to make this in depth analysis of the contestants for you. First up is the First Semifinal- of which 10 acts will advance to the finals, along with 5 Countries that are automatically guaranteed a spot. These being the top 4 contributors to the contest (England, France, Spain, and Germany like an unholy United Nations Security Council) and the host country/winning country of the previous year (Norway, as discussed here)
In the following I'll break down all the semi-final contestants for the First round, to be conducted on May 12, 2010. Entries I don't think will make it will be in Italics. Countries I think are on the bubble will be with red headers, to show they need to be out for blood.
MOLDOVA
Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira- Run Away
Performer:The Sunstroke Project is a weird little band. They make dance music with synthesizers and a male singer, but for some inexplicable reason also feel that they need live violinist and saxophone player on all their songs. It’s their schtick and they seem to be doing alright with it. They came in third last year in the Moldova contest to make it to Eurovision.
The Singer Olia Tira (who is rocking a robyn with longer bangs) is a 21 year old with her own television show and a successful debut CD. She was a soviet Military brat. Right now she’s a student at her countries Academy Of Music, Theater, and Plastic Arts. While it’s refreshing that someone is successful that young and still attending school, I am worried as to what exactly the “Plastic Arts” are. She’s tried out to represent Moldova 4 times, and placed Fourth(behind her collaborators Project Sunstroke) last year.
Staging: Looking at their live performance and video for the song. It appears they are going to be relying heavily on the crowd having either taken ecstasy or being epileptic, because they only real wow factor to their performance visually is the massive array of lights. The singers are good looking, which always helps. They didn’t seem to do much but jump around and walk back in forth in their qualifying rounds.
Song: This song is pure euro techno goodness. It’s super up beat for being about making people leave you alone. The inclusion and heavy use of Violin is a good indicator, as the least 3 of the last 5 winners have included violins. People seem to just enjoy the hell out of them. I know I do. The singers are both able to belt out their parts respectably. The saxophone’s inclusion in all of this is fun but so out of left field it causes me great worry. He plays like 24 notes if he’s lucky over the entire course of the song. While there definitely needs to be something musically interesting where his solos area, but I’m not sure that the sax is really what is supposed to be there.
Funniest Lyric: “We have no progressive future”
Odds: Should definitely make it to Finals- However, I’m afraid it does not have the population to really give it respectable placing in the end. I know I’ll be downloading it.
Suggested Staging Trick: As the song is about relationships and they have male/female signers- I suggest a lot more interaction between them. I’m feeling fire, preferably shooting out of the Tuba during Solos. That would be amazing.
Russia
Peter Nalitch & Friends- Lost and Forgotten
Performer: Peter Nalitch was essentially a Russian meme from his song “gitar” he made in 2007 that had a horrible video and he purposefully used terrible English that Russian livejournal users flooded the net with. He fucked around for a while giving out his music for free and then one day in 2008 finally got around to recording and making a CD. He apparently sings in a few languages that he knows but purposefully does not speak proper English. His friends are his normal band...and I would hope actually his friends.
Staging: Balls boring. The band is essentially a scruffy Josh Groban with a bunch of people who, if the focus was supposed to be on them instead of Grobanovic, probably wouldn’t have qualified for Eurovision. Most exciting part of this staging is when all the backing band makes this ridiculous sigh noise. Grobanovic is trying bring the audience in with some ridiculous arm movements but they aren’t enough to really interest the crowd for long.
Song: Again snoozefest. I’m surprised that Russia even bothered entering if this is the best hope they had. This is a far cry from the two years ago when they had shirtless good looking ballader WITH Ritchie Sambora on the violin AND Evgevni Pluschenko (currently the defending Platinum World Medalist in Ice skating). The song is basically some guy whining about how he needs to get over being dumped and then some random third party with a monotone and emotionless voice telling him to burn the photos- I think it’s the devil. It gets musically a bit interesting in a greatest hits of Neil Sedeka/Paul Anka way toward the end when he’s just hitting random notes but until it gets to that part it’s blah. Knowing he got famous for a song with bad English makes me wonder if this is just a joke in the first place.
Funniest lyric: “(spoken monotone) what are you doing man. (busting out singing) YES, I’M LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTO. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THEM (monotone) give them to the fire (singing) OH YES, YES I GONNA BURN THEM NOW” Odds: depending on strength of the semi group- may get in based solely on the fact that it’s Russia and huge. No way in hell it wins though. I will sponsor a child in Africa if this wins. That’s how confident I am.
Suggested Staging trick: If they want any hope of entertaining people they need a really amazing ballet/modern dance routine between a man and a woman. Luckily their Russia so I feel like they have some people lying around that could do this. Also- perhaps dress the monotone voice guy as the devil.
Estonia
Malcom Lincoln- Siren
Performer: Malcolm Lincoln is not, as I thought, the name of the singer. Apparently it’s a band made up of the singer (Robin) and the bassist (Madis). They consider themselves electropop. They got the name of their band from someone’s incorrect answer for the name of Abraham Lincoln on Estonian “Who wants to be a millionaire.” The Whiteboy Pips they perform with in this song are called Manpower 4. And they are amazing.
Staging: The lead singer has a really weird stage presence. He keeps holding the microphone up to his head like we’re going to hear this supposed siren in it. He started his qualifying performance with a weird matador cap and bought out some flower props at the end. He seems cocky and has one of the best side shuffles this side of Axel Rose. Manpower 4 are fucking adorable and I want to murder the long haired one and take his place. They really are just rhythmically challenged backup singer/dancers of the Motown era. The staging is as equally hard to place as is the song.
Song: I actually really like this song. The build up to chorus is about how he’s wasted his time and his life is …well “oh lame”. It sounds really defeatist but then the chorus is asking to give him the ability to carry on as he keeps trying to do what he’s so defeated about. It's a theme similar to my least favorite entry of this semi (see Belgium) but the song is so not your normal Eurovision that I'm fine with that. The chorus is strong and they way he sings them sounds totally Bowie to me. I could actually see this song being a minor hit here depending on the marketing. At least I know for sure they’d be a hit in Williamsburg.
Funniest Lyric: “My life as been oh lame. Has been oh lame so long”
Odds: I think this one should make be considered for an award, because I think it’s actually a good song written by two guys instead of some horrible creation that they make for Eurovision and just grab any singer they can (see: that year Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote a song and the competition was just to see who would sing his song). I think there are 7 worse songs in the semi for sure and that it should be at least top 15 in finals but I worry that the song might be too left field for the majority of Eurovision viewers.
Suggested Staging Trick: The Manpower 4 seem to know they are a bit of a weird add on and the singer himself is a bit cheeky. I don’t want them to go overboard to the point where it’s hokey but I hope that they let the freak flag fly for these semis. Looking at the official music video for the song, which is pretty Radiohead-y, I’m sure they have some tricks to show and they will endure them to a good number of people. Also more footwork from the Manpower 4.
Slovakia
In the following I'll break down all the semi-final contestants for the First round, to be conducted on May 12, 2010. Entries I don't think will make it will be in Italics. Countries I think are on the bubble will be with red headers, to show they need to be out for blood.
MOLDOVA
Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira- Run Away
Performer:The Sunstroke Project is a weird little band. They make dance music with synthesizers and a male singer, but for some inexplicable reason also feel that they need live violinist and saxophone player on all their songs. It’s their schtick and they seem to be doing alright with it. They came in third last year in the Moldova contest to make it to Eurovision.
The Singer Olia Tira (who is rocking a robyn with longer bangs) is a 21 year old with her own television show and a successful debut CD. She was a soviet Military brat. Right now she’s a student at her countries Academy Of Music, Theater, and Plastic Arts. While it’s refreshing that someone is successful that young and still attending school, I am worried as to what exactly the “Plastic Arts” are. She’s tried out to represent Moldova 4 times, and placed Fourth(behind her collaborators Project Sunstroke) last year.
Staging: Looking at their live performance and video for the song. It appears they are going to be relying heavily on the crowd having either taken ecstasy or being epileptic, because they only real wow factor to their performance visually is the massive array of lights. The singers are good looking, which always helps. They didn’t seem to do much but jump around and walk back in forth in their qualifying rounds.
Song: This song is pure euro techno goodness. It’s super up beat for being about making people leave you alone. The inclusion and heavy use of Violin is a good indicator, as the least 3 of the last 5 winners have included violins. People seem to just enjoy the hell out of them. I know I do. The singers are both able to belt out their parts respectably. The saxophone’s inclusion in all of this is fun but so out of left field it causes me great worry. He plays like 24 notes if he’s lucky over the entire course of the song. While there definitely needs to be something musically interesting where his solos area, but I’m not sure that the sax is really what is supposed to be there.
Funniest Lyric: “We have no progressive future”
Odds: Should definitely make it to Finals- However, I’m afraid it does not have the population to really give it respectable placing in the end. I know I’ll be downloading it.
Suggested Staging Trick: As the song is about relationships and they have male/female signers- I suggest a lot more interaction between them. I’m feeling fire, preferably shooting out of the Tuba during Solos. That would be amazing.
Russia
Peter Nalitch & Friends- Lost and Forgotten
Performer: Peter Nalitch was essentially a Russian meme from his song “gitar” he made in 2007 that had a horrible video and he purposefully used terrible English that Russian livejournal users flooded the net with. He fucked around for a while giving out his music for free and then one day in 2008 finally got around to recording and making a CD. He apparently sings in a few languages that he knows but purposefully does not speak proper English. His friends are his normal band...and I would hope actually his friends.
Staging: Balls boring. The band is essentially a scruffy Josh Groban with a bunch of people who, if the focus was supposed to be on them instead of Grobanovic, probably wouldn’t have qualified for Eurovision. Most exciting part of this staging is when all the backing band makes this ridiculous sigh noise. Grobanovic is trying bring the audience in with some ridiculous arm movements but they aren’t enough to really interest the crowd for long.
Song: Again snoozefest. I’m surprised that Russia even bothered entering if this is the best hope they had. This is a far cry from the two years ago when they had shirtless good looking ballader WITH Ritchie Sambora on the violin AND Evgevni Pluschenko (currently the defending Platinum World Medalist in Ice skating). The song is basically some guy whining about how he needs to get over being dumped and then some random third party with a monotone and emotionless voice telling him to burn the photos- I think it’s the devil. It gets musically a bit interesting in a greatest hits of Neil Sedeka/Paul Anka way toward the end when he’s just hitting random notes but until it gets to that part it’s blah. Knowing he got famous for a song with bad English makes me wonder if this is just a joke in the first place.
Funniest lyric: “(spoken monotone) what are you doing man. (busting out singing) YES, I’M LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTO. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THEM (monotone) give them to the fire (singing) OH YES, YES I GONNA BURN THEM NOW” Odds: depending on strength of the semi group- may get in based solely on the fact that it’s Russia and huge. No way in hell it wins though. I will sponsor a child in Africa if this wins. That’s how confident I am.
Suggested Staging trick: If they want any hope of entertaining people they need a really amazing ballet/modern dance routine between a man and a woman. Luckily their Russia so I feel like they have some people lying around that could do this. Also- perhaps dress the monotone voice guy as the devil.
Estonia
Malcom Lincoln- Siren
Performer: Malcolm Lincoln is not, as I thought, the name of the singer. Apparently it’s a band made up of the singer (Robin) and the bassist (Madis). They consider themselves electropop. They got the name of their band from someone’s incorrect answer for the name of Abraham Lincoln on Estonian “Who wants to be a millionaire.” The Whiteboy Pips they perform with in this song are called Manpower 4. And they are amazing.
Staging: The lead singer has a really weird stage presence. He keeps holding the microphone up to his head like we’re going to hear this supposed siren in it. He started his qualifying performance with a weird matador cap and bought out some flower props at the end. He seems cocky and has one of the best side shuffles this side of Axel Rose. Manpower 4 are fucking adorable and I want to murder the long haired one and take his place. They really are just rhythmically challenged backup singer/dancers of the Motown era. The staging is as equally hard to place as is the song.
Song: I actually really like this song. The build up to chorus is about how he’s wasted his time and his life is …well “oh lame”. It sounds really defeatist but then the chorus is asking to give him the ability to carry on as he keeps trying to do what he’s so defeated about. It's a theme similar to my least favorite entry of this semi (see Belgium) but the song is so not your normal Eurovision that I'm fine with that. The chorus is strong and they way he sings them sounds totally Bowie to me. I could actually see this song being a minor hit here depending on the marketing. At least I know for sure they’d be a hit in Williamsburg.
Funniest Lyric: “My life as been oh lame. Has been oh lame so long”
Odds: I think this one should make be considered for an award, because I think it’s actually a good song written by two guys instead of some horrible creation that they make for Eurovision and just grab any singer they can (see: that year Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote a song and the competition was just to see who would sing his song). I think there are 7 worse songs in the semi for sure and that it should be at least top 15 in finals but I worry that the song might be too left field for the majority of Eurovision viewers.
Suggested Staging Trick: The Manpower 4 seem to know they are a bit of a weird add on and the singer himself is a bit cheeky. I don’t want them to go overboard to the point where it’s hokey but I hope that they let the freak flag fly for these semis. Looking at the official music video for the song, which is pretty Radiohead-y, I’m sure they have some tricks to show and they will endure them to a good number of people. Also more footwork from the Manpower 4.
Slovakia
Kristina Pelakova Horehronie
Performer: Kristina Pelakova is a singer from Slovakia who goes by her first name only- which seems to be what everyone in dance music does over there. Everybody wants to be Cher. Something about the way they are announced her makes me think that Slovakia did the whole “let’s audition someone to sing this song” deal.
Staging: I’m gonna go ahead and say that Horehronie is a leafy place. The song is about an area in Slovkia that's supposedly a vacation destination for actual Slovakians. They’ve got her and her dancers decked out like they are elves in a video game. Badass elves but still elves. The Dancers are good, although they don’t really do anything that really is striking, except maybe their quick step part. At some point they involved bringing out a bunch of string but it was used for a total of five seconds to little effect.
Song: The best thing you can say about the song is that it’s pretty. It’s not going to be able to be understood by a lot of voters. Slovakia is going to be possible helped though by the fact that Czech viewers don’t have an entry this year and the song has already been a hit in their country so they may vote for it. There’s nothing overly interesting going on in the beat.
Odds: The singer is decent, staging decent, but that’s about it. It’s decent but not captivating in anyway. The judges aren’t gonna care about it much(in my opinion) because it’s a harmless entry and the viewers won’t be won over by it too much as there is much more interesting dance songs in the mix. It’ll get to the finals but don’t expect it to do anything there.
Funniest Line: uh.. ne mluvim slovak a muj cech je moc spatne.
Suggested Staging Trick: You got big male dancers dressed up in leaves, and you have tribal drums, yet for some reason no one thought to have the big leaf people play the tribal drums. Rookie mistake. Get those boys some fake drums and get teach them when to hit.
Finland
Kuunkuiskaajat – Tyolki Ellaa
Performers: Kuunkuiskaajat ( the name apparently means Moonwhispers) is a folk band made up of the lead singer and the singer/accordionist. They were apparently in another Band called Varttina that is also folk music based. The song features three other people but there’s no mention of who the hell they are.
Staging: Dear God what is happening with this band. Of the two main singers one is playing an awesome accordion and the other one looks like Charro with the crazy eye she’s sporting. They have a decently cute violinist who they’ve shoved in the back with the two male singers who just kinda hang out. In the middle they do the Ashley Simpson “uhhhh” barn dance. This needs help.
Song: The song seems to be a pretty standard folk song. None of the singers seem to be that great (in the great tradition of folk singers. Seriously, why is this genre music for the passable singer?). Again like a lot of folk songs it gets faster after the first voice and their room for audience participation with the clapping. With these songs you're kinda hoping for somewhat of a pity vote. It's fun but it's not anything you'd listen to alot.
Funniest Line: Forget the lines- look at that NAME. can you even imagine how to pronounce that name.
Odds: It might charm enough people to make it past semis- but to do that I think it’ll need a lot more polish. I have it going just because I love how strange it is and I'm hoping other people in Europe do a kind of "vote for the weirdo" thing. They need SOMETHING to do with the other 3 performers when it’s the violin/accordion solo time. Maybe find a round robin-y kind of dance where Charro passes from one arm to the next? anything but the awkward attempted dance. Also If you’re going with folk song get some traditional costumes.
Latvia
Aisha- What For
Performer: from what I can tell this girl has been doing singing competitions since conception. At 5 she came in second at a young Latvian singers competition, 11 she was in a flute competition. Etc, etc. at 14 a rock band tried to get her to be there singer but immediately fired her when she missed the first rehearsal. She won another competition in 06 and it launched her huge, as these small post-soviet countries seem to do. She’s a singer but she’s in movies and has a show. Apparently she was also extremely popular on Latvian Dancing with the Stars. She’s appeared on Eurovision once before and according to their website was “an ace” away from winning, whatever that means.
Staging: Latvia is our first semi who has their staging down pretty pat. The beginning starts with our singer like 20ft in the air and lighting makes it look like she’s wearing a dress that long. A lonely accordionist walks in and aimlessly wanders around 4 women in what appear to be dirty clothes washing cloth. The floor is lit up from below and also has the appearance of being covered in cloth. The washers join in for most of the song on vocals as they angrily wash and question their positions. The singer ends up taking point in the front of the stage. For a song that, well we’ll get to the song later. They have created a weird feminist empowerment anger out of thin air and it plays pretty well.
Song: Sweet mother Mary what has happened here. This song is….is…. I can’t even describe this song. The singer seems struggling to keep her voice even, let alone appealing, through the entire song. How she turned these insipid lyrics into some kind of women’s movement with the staging is obviously the work of the devil. The song is bass and accordion with occasional bells? It’s just so horrible. I mean… Only Mr.God knows why? Only Mr. God knows how the hell you got this song in. I'm hoping this was some attempt to appeal to the crazy christian vote (don't pretend they aren't over there. I know they are) and not the lyricists actual feelings. Unless the lyricist is 9, then good for you for writing a song on your Lisa Frank notebook that made it to Eurovision. Good job honey.
Funniest Lyric: “I asked my uncle joe, but he can’t speak” or “only Mr god knows why”
Odds: I despise this song. I think even if it was prerecorded so her voice didn’t mess up it shouldn’t break semis- However I’m terrified and believe that enough people will be suckered in to get it to the finals. It won’t win but still. If this ruins Estonia’s spot in the finals, This bitch better watch out cause I will find her. It’s not hard- she’s apparently the only celebrity of Latvia.
Serbia
Milan Stankovic- Ovo Je Balkan
Performer: A very sarcastic article I found from Belgraded gblo, a site I might read on the regular now, informed me that to keep the costs down, Serbia only had three participants allowed to sing this year and they all sang similar sounding songs by the same man. The site refers to the elvin Stankovic as Serbia’s first ( and only) emo star, which is funny because nothing about this blonde happy faced kid says emo to me. His wikipedia page has him as another person who got to fame based on a singing competition, and was clearly written by a fan. From the background- he seems to have the same following as Clay Aiken. A bunch of sad woman who force a weird elfin closet gay down their nations throats because they don’t realize he won’t sleep with them. Le sigh. We all know how this will end. Moving on.
Staging: Someone went in a time machine, found Steven Cojocaru who , put him in some folk outfit with a bunch of women, and told them to dance. They start off in some lively ethnic folk costumes and slowly they strip to reveal they are actually Fly Girlz from in Living Color( that was spelled with a Z right? I feel like it should have a Z). their dance moves aren’t great in either costume, but they do make a fun little three man pyramids a few times.
In related story- How has Steven Cojocaru never attempted to release "Cojocaru does Kajagoogoo" that would be an amazing Eurovision entry.
Song: Like I said, The writer of this song was the only person whose songs were allowed to be considered for Eurovision. It’s title “This is the Balkans” seems to be a desperate plea to appeal to other Balkan states for solidarity. His voice sounds so processed in the official cut that it doesn’t even seem worth it to hire someone famous to have given his voice to the song. They could have had a 2 year old sing, they were going to produce the hell out of it anyway. The song is another dumb one, but unlike What For it doesn’t make you bleed out your ears.
Odds: I suspect it may beat out my Weirdo Finn’s for the Ethnic choice of song this round. Another one without a shot in hell of winning the thing. Doesn’t really deserve Semis in my opinion but oh well.
Suggested Staging Trick: You're going to need alot more than 4 dancers if you want a shot at the finals. I suggest tons of them. Hell, turn the stage into a balkan mountain village with goats and shit. Teach those goats to dance. If you have dancing goats, you will win my vote.
Bosnia and Hersgovina
Performer: Brajic become famous from a singing contest in 2008/2009. However, in his favor it wasn’t a show that only played in his country, but also in Croatia, Macedonia, Montenegro and Serbia, so he’s got a fan base in more countries than his own. He appears to have a steady career since mid 00’s jumping band to band.
Staging: Not good. It appears that he just sat there singing the song his first audition. He sang it in both his home language and in English and the English one was chosen for the competition. Barely any attention to the band who are pretty big part of the song. Gonna need a lot of work
Song: I think this song is the pitts. It is attempting to be hard rock but there’s nothing to hard about it. It’s Chris Daughtry hard, which is fitting because as has been proven, it’s hard to be any kind of music other than pop once your big break is a television singing competition that’s purpose is to manufacture an act with a fan base before their cd even comes out. I personally find his voice unpleasant and nasally in the song as well. I’ve checked out the song in Bosnian ( is that what they speak?) and his cover of “More than Words” and he sounded better on them for sure. I think it’s part of his trying to be hard again leads to affectation that he’s sneering or some shit and ruins his voice.
Funniest lyric: “Thunder and lightning, holding hands, Let’s overcome the past”
Odds: Maybe it’ll make it past semis on the strength that it’s different genre from most songs, but I don’t think it really should. Nowhere near winner quality.
Suggested Staging Trick: If you’re going to make this guy seem hardcore and legit you’re going to need to get the band on stage. Rock Musicians are not allowed to just sing songs of other people like pop stars- and the way this is presented it looks like he has nothing to do with the songwriting or the musicians. He needs to sell his legitimacy as an artist.
Poland
Marcin Mrozinski- Legenda
Performer: Again with the singer/actor/television Host. Seriously can we get Eastern Europe some diversified talent pools? He is another person who won a ton of singing contests as a kid, but unlike the others I’ve seen he won them for other countries/languages. He was first in a French singing contest and representing Ireland in another. He went television hosting for a bit and then came back and got to the semi finals on Polish Idol. He was in Phantom of the Opera( I believe as Raol). He’s also kinda cute and barely a year older than me.
Staging: Poland is another contestant who already has strong staging coming in. Marcin stands at almost the edge of the stage while a ballet dancer couple swirls back and forth around behind him. Elevated in the back we have the female lead vocalist who comes in out of nowhere in the end on the music video but we do have some intro to her before in the performance. On top of this we have two folk dancers on either edge of the stage who swirl a LOT.
Song: Thank the lord almighty Poland with the save. The lyrics are really bad grammar but who gives a shit for this one. It starts off with some Polish in deep strong delivery with no real music so we’re all standing around a bit confused over what to do next. Than the violin kicks in and this shit becomes Powerballad glory. The bridges are soft and insipid, bullshit about a princess and him finding and being there for her. It starts off with a strong first chorus and somehow keeps escalating inexplicably. I keep waiting for the next chorus to be less impressive because they already blew it but it’s simply awesome.
Funniest Lyric: “Everyday I think about to tomorrow. “
Odds: I think we have our first real contender for the prize with this song. I think musically it’s interesting and the singers don’t want for any power. Sure it’s lyrics are a little stale and thematically it can be said to be similar to last years winner, I don’t care. Poland’s big enough to pull this up and I think it’ll get a lot of the 6 kids who are rockers and watch this because it’s pretty Evanesncesque.
Suggest Staging Trick: The singers are both pretty immobile. I would suggest putting them on a raised platform behind the dancing couple. That way they waste less time running from side to side behind him to get to better angles. Also- keep the girls on the side but maybe also make them ballerinas. It’s weird to just have the two Polish folk people there if they aren’t singing( they sing the polish parts in the video). Lastly, darken the costumes. I’m thinking a rich purple for the girl dancer. It’s weird to have them so ghostly and air-nymph like in such a heavy song.
Belgium
Tom Dice- Me and My Guitar
Performer: Tom Dice is a product of the X factor francise, for Belgium. He came in second last year. His single hit was an acoustic cover of the Jesse McCartney written/Leona Lewis Destroyed( in a good way) Bleeding Love. The only interesting face about him is that he, unlike everyone else, didn’t audition for the spot. Apparently the Flemmish Broadcaster who has the deal with Eurovision decided he would be the best, most likely because his stupid ability to make teen girls swoon by singing badly and playing acoustic guitar, and didn't bother having any kind of audition or public opinion vote or anything- which is kinda against the spirit of the whole thing.
Staging: Just a boy and his guitar. There really isn’t much they can do with this as it’s such a stripped down song and the entire point is that it’s just the singer trying to make it in spite of the odds (not to mention his abilities).
Song: Ugh. This kid represents everything that’s wrong with these “get discovered” singing contests. He’s not a great singer, He can’t play the guitar that well, but he looks cute and sounds sincere and so he’s marketable. This is like bad version of early John Mayer. The song is boring lyrically and his music part is similarily stiff. They’ve got some pre-recorded orchestra working up behind him that sounds good so maybe that will save him a little. I sincerely believe this is the worst song of the group. The best part is when at the end someone screams “NO” which I hope isn’t a mistranslation but really them reacting to this stupid song being their representation.
Funniest Lyric: “And no one may ever know The feelings inside my mind ‘Cause all of the lines I ever write Are running out of time”
Odds: Dear God watch this one place top five. Ugh. I think once we get to the actual competition there are enough cute boys to filter out the people who get onto the show initially because they are cute boys, so I’m hoping he doesn’t make it past semis. Seriously Europe- this is what you’re offering as your best?
Suggested Staging Trick: Get that pre-recorded orchestra on stage with him. He’s gonna need them to drown out his sucking. Also- take off your stupid hat. Never in the history of the world has someone thought “you know what would make that guy cuter? A bucket hat.” God I hate you Tom Dice. At least Peter Natilich has a humor angle to him.
Malta
Thea Garrett- My Dream
Performer: Thea is 18 years old and apparently insanely trained and accomplished with more of a classic/opera background. She’s been chosen for some soloist work with bigger names and has been in a bunch of English competitions and schools for classic music. Apparently she had signed an exclusive year contract that isn’t up yet with her parents( since she was underage) and now that she’s in Eurovision she’s getting sued because the record company can’t control that music, which is really sad because the kid's 18 and let her fucking have this. I love her little Liza hair as well.
Staging: She here starts out just singing on her own, again the song is a big, “let me be a famous singer, I need your love and support” There’s a weird feather clump behind her for the first part that's pretty but maybe a little too big for the dress, at the second chorus all the sudden it’s making a flying/flowing motion which is initially pretty as the wings are used to add to her dress and they themselves are really intricate. To my terror it turns out to be some terrifying bird/man who gets up and before looking at her, kinda predetarialy I think, fucks off and starts dancing around and spinning
Song: As I said in the staging section. We have another “I’m trying to make it” kind of song. Here it’s in the form of a traditional ballad. I think Thea Garrett has a pretty normal voice. It’s totally a “this is the song I perform right before I win American Idol” song. When she goes into her classic range with the vibrato in the end it works well though I wish she held it a little longer just to show off. I feel like all the music portion was made on a casio keyboard which is a little rough. but oh well.
Funniest lyric: “Like a seagull on the waves. And the sun will shine upon your face.” A. What happened to the seagull, we kinda just left that there to hang out. B. Seagulls are disgusting creatures. Never compare yourself to the rats of the ocean.
Odds: I initially had this as a bubble song on first listen based on its theme but it after a few listens I realized it’s most likely a lock for finals and I had to bump my beloved Estonia to the bubble. Unlike any other performer, one of her biggest website hits according to google is her facebook support group.
Suggesting Staging Trick: The feather thing is great at the beginning is great, but once bird creature goes off to dance, bring like two more on stage. He looks lonely and the effect will be cooler. Maybe the backup singers that join in strong can be the other birds. I also feel like the piano has to be visable for some reason.
Albania
Juliana Pasha- It's all about you
Performer: My search for this girl can come up with nothing except that in 07 she came in third place at country level and 08 she came in second. If she’s been around for three years, and based on the power of this song, I feel like the girl should have more known about her.
Performer: Again with the singer/actor/television Host. Seriously can we get Eastern Europe some diversified talent pools? He is another person who won a ton of singing contests as a kid, but unlike the others I’ve seen he won them for other countries/languages. He was first in a French singing contest and representing Ireland in another. He went television hosting for a bit and then came back and got to the semi finals on Polish Idol. He was in Phantom of the Opera( I believe as Raol). He’s also kinda cute and barely a year older than me.
Staging: Poland is another contestant who already has strong staging coming in. Marcin stands at almost the edge of the stage while a ballet dancer couple swirls back and forth around behind him. Elevated in the back we have the female lead vocalist who comes in out of nowhere in the end on the music video but we do have some intro to her before in the performance. On top of this we have two folk dancers on either edge of the stage who swirl a LOT.
Song: Thank the lord almighty Poland with the save. The lyrics are really bad grammar but who gives a shit for this one. It starts off with some Polish in deep strong delivery with no real music so we’re all standing around a bit confused over what to do next. Than the violin kicks in and this shit becomes Powerballad glory. The bridges are soft and insipid, bullshit about a princess and him finding and being there for her. It starts off with a strong first chorus and somehow keeps escalating inexplicably. I keep waiting for the next chorus to be less impressive because they already blew it but it’s simply awesome.
Funniest Lyric: “Everyday I think about to tomorrow. “
Odds: I think we have our first real contender for the prize with this song. I think musically it’s interesting and the singers don’t want for any power. Sure it’s lyrics are a little stale and thematically it can be said to be similar to last years winner, I don’t care. Poland’s big enough to pull this up and I think it’ll get a lot of the 6 kids who are rockers and watch this because it’s pretty Evanesncesque.
Suggest Staging Trick: The singers are both pretty immobile. I would suggest putting them on a raised platform behind the dancing couple. That way they waste less time running from side to side behind him to get to better angles. Also- keep the girls on the side but maybe also make them ballerinas. It’s weird to just have the two Polish folk people there if they aren’t singing( they sing the polish parts in the video). Lastly, darken the costumes. I’m thinking a rich purple for the girl dancer. It’s weird to have them so ghostly and air-nymph like in such a heavy song.
Belgium
Tom Dice- Me and My Guitar
Performer: Tom Dice is a product of the X factor francise, for Belgium. He came in second last year. His single hit was an acoustic cover of the Jesse McCartney written/Leona Lewis Destroyed( in a good way) Bleeding Love. The only interesting face about him is that he, unlike everyone else, didn’t audition for the spot. Apparently the Flemmish Broadcaster who has the deal with Eurovision decided he would be the best, most likely because his stupid ability to make teen girls swoon by singing badly and playing acoustic guitar, and didn't bother having any kind of audition or public opinion vote or anything- which is kinda against the spirit of the whole thing.
Staging: Just a boy and his guitar. There really isn’t much they can do with this as it’s such a stripped down song and the entire point is that it’s just the singer trying to make it in spite of the odds (not to mention his abilities).
Song: Ugh. This kid represents everything that’s wrong with these “get discovered” singing contests. He’s not a great singer, He can’t play the guitar that well, but he looks cute and sounds sincere and so he’s marketable. This is like bad version of early John Mayer. The song is boring lyrically and his music part is similarily stiff. They’ve got some pre-recorded orchestra working up behind him that sounds good so maybe that will save him a little. I sincerely believe this is the worst song of the group. The best part is when at the end someone screams “NO” which I hope isn’t a mistranslation but really them reacting to this stupid song being their representation.
Funniest Lyric: “And no one may ever know The feelings inside my mind ‘Cause all of the lines I ever write Are running out of time”
Odds: Dear God watch this one place top five. Ugh. I think once we get to the actual competition there are enough cute boys to filter out the people who get onto the show initially because they are cute boys, so I’m hoping he doesn’t make it past semis. Seriously Europe- this is what you’re offering as your best?
Suggested Staging Trick: Get that pre-recorded orchestra on stage with him. He’s gonna need them to drown out his sucking. Also- take off your stupid hat. Never in the history of the world has someone thought “you know what would make that guy cuter? A bucket hat.” God I hate you Tom Dice. At least Peter Natilich has a humor angle to him.
Malta
Thea Garrett- My Dream
Performer: Thea is 18 years old and apparently insanely trained and accomplished with more of a classic/opera background. She’s been chosen for some soloist work with bigger names and has been in a bunch of English competitions and schools for classic music. Apparently she had signed an exclusive year contract that isn’t up yet with her parents( since she was underage) and now that she’s in Eurovision she’s getting sued because the record company can’t control that music, which is really sad because the kid's 18 and let her fucking have this. I love her little Liza hair as well.
Staging: She here starts out just singing on her own, again the song is a big, “let me be a famous singer, I need your love and support” There’s a weird feather clump behind her for the first part that's pretty but maybe a little too big for the dress, at the second chorus all the sudden it’s making a flying/flowing motion which is initially pretty as the wings are used to add to her dress and they themselves are really intricate. To my terror it turns out to be some terrifying bird/man who gets up and before looking at her, kinda predetarialy I think, fucks off and starts dancing around and spinning
Song: As I said in the staging section. We have another “I’m trying to make it” kind of song. Here it’s in the form of a traditional ballad. I think Thea Garrett has a pretty normal voice. It’s totally a “this is the song I perform right before I win American Idol” song. When she goes into her classic range with the vibrato in the end it works well though I wish she held it a little longer just to show off. I feel like all the music portion was made on a casio keyboard which is a little rough. but oh well.
Funniest lyric: “Like a seagull on the waves. And the sun will shine upon your face.” A. What happened to the seagull, we kinda just left that there to hang out. B. Seagulls are disgusting creatures. Never compare yourself to the rats of the ocean.
Odds: I initially had this as a bubble song on first listen based on its theme but it after a few listens I realized it’s most likely a lock for finals and I had to bump my beloved Estonia to the bubble. Unlike any other performer, one of her biggest website hits according to google is her facebook support group.
Suggesting Staging Trick: The feather thing is great at the beginning is great, but once bird creature goes off to dance, bring like two more on stage. He looks lonely and the effect will be cooler. Maybe the backup singers that join in strong can be the other birds. I also feel like the piano has to be visable for some reason.
Albania
Juliana Pasha- It's all about you
Performer: My search for this girl can come up with nothing except that in 07 she came in third place at country level and 08 she came in second. If she’s been around for three years, and based on the power of this song, I feel like the girl should have more known about her.
Staging: The music video for the song is crazy trippy and features people running around in the forest. However, Her live performance is her on stage ith some singe/musicians off to the very side of the stage with another super seizure light show. Her hair is like is Carrie Bradshaw(short hair period) became really awesome and became a big clubber. She’s got on a tight suit with crazy chain sholder pads. Girl is not afraid to sell at song.
Song: Amazballs. If Moldova’s entry is pure eurotechno, this is the essence of dancehall music. This is the song you are willing to loose your table and drinks to at the bar to dance to with your friends. Pasha can belt it out and her vocal intensity carries throughout. The lyrics are basically almost obsessively in love. I’m really surprised Britney Spears didn’t find this song with the same Roma magic she used to get Toxic and murder Pasha for it.
Funniest Lyric: “We’ve been down, But don’t you know it went down here”
Odds: This song is in my bid for winner of the semis. It’s crazy intense song and she can sell it on all fronts. She can belt it like Iceland’s Hera Bjork, I think she’s as pretty as Moldova’s Olia, and she dances better than any other contestant let alone most of the hired dancers. I see this as top 3 unless Europe decides out of nowhere that it no longer likes dancing.
Suggested Staging Trick: I'm not really sure what she can do here to make it better. But I think it'll have to be done with special effects. Maybe she can have the fire shooting out of the stage? Her music video for the song is non-sensical and weird so maybe she's can pull out something amazing. I don't know. That could possibly be the factor between winning and second and I can't help her out. Sorry Pasha.
Greece
Giorgos Alkaios & Friends- OPA
Performer: Alkaios is the old man of the competition but you wouldn’t know it by his performance. He’s been around in Greece since he won a television development show in 89 ( they HAD those back then in Greece?). He’s got more platinum records than anyone else in the semi from what I can tell. He has his own label which some of the “friends” are members of. Apparently a Turkish team picked his song to be one of their anthems which is surprising since the two countries sorta kinda hate each other intensely.
Staging: Greece may be collapsing economically, but right now they seem to have pulled out the most stops for staging. He’s got four almost fetish clad back up banker/singer men and he keeps up with them for a good part for his age ( sorry, I just think it’s so amusing someone with a real long-standing career is in this). The choreography is super clean and these guys have been working on this for a while. There’s a really strange part when they have all the spotlight on the greek violin, which is apparently played by holding it away from you like a three year old handing a teddy bear that dropped in the toilet to an adult. The blacklight Drumming circle, while totally fake playing, reminds me of parts of Peter Gabriel’s weird concert staging and I’m down for it.
Song: I had the midi tone in all songs. For years I had blocked it out of my hearing for Rock the Casbah and then one day, I finally heard it and asked a friend why anyone would add that to such a great song and he looked at me like I had the plague for never hearing it in there before. Outside of that the song is a good time and straddles that ubiquitous fun with heavy ethnic influence that is how you rep your country while still appealing to others outside. I think the masculinity behind it is good as well as any men watching will not be too ashamed of their love of this song to vote for it.
Funniest Lyric: That stupid cell phone noise part. Not actually lyrics but it’s humilitating all the same.
Suggested Staging Trick: Sorry Albania, but Greece totally stole your fire. Not the fire in your soul but there’s no way that OPA, which to me is directly linked to making 4 foot columns of fire erupt from a slice of cheese, is not gonna have the shooting fire trick. If they don’t use it, then they are idiots. If they can't afford to buy some actual firepits, bring some cheese and brandy and just use that.
Portugal
Filipa Azevedo- Ha Dias Assim.
Performer: Filipa is another 18 year old who has an amazing voice and makes me hate myself for being 24 and spending hours dedicated to reviewing eurovision entries and making no money. She was involved in a Portugal idol kind of situation in 2006 where she was just so disgustingly amazing it doesn’t look like she had other competition on the show. To quote one of the judges “You are worth three or four singers.” She now lives in london and studies there. Her first cd bombed. Another superfan wiki states it was due to horrible production and I can believe it because she does have a great voice. Apparently She was selected by the songwriter for the song but still had to compete in a semi-final, which she won by judges vote, beating out another girl who had the better public score.
Staging: The song has her and the pianist alone on the stage with the fattest fucking single wick candle ever on top of the piano which she blows out at some point. I don’t really get the significance of it. I think she’s more confident than her ballad competition Thea Garret in being front and center, I assume because hertraining is theatrical pop and not classical. She wanders back and forth between the piano and the foot of the stage depending on how powerful her voice is supposed to be.
Song: Roughly translated the song means “It’s one of those days” and it does sound like it is a pretty shitty day in her life. While not everyone sings Portugese, this girl knows how to let you know what emotion you’re supposed to be feeling by her delivery. She’s very Mariah that way. Mariah could sing in her native alien language and we’d still all go out and buy the early albums. In fact, maybe if she did we could ignore the llyrics and just wait for her to hit whistle. Anyway, back to this song. Pretty ballad. From what I can tell about her wouldn’t be surprised if the song was written for her. Decent string section throughout and points of a electrical guitar at one point. I don’t like that she ends singing before the last note. The last note there seems a little awkwardly abrupt.
Funniest lyric: I found a translation and it seems completely random so I won’t count it. Instead, I say the funniest is when it sounds like she’s saying “Woo Woo Woo” like she’s pretending to be a Model T starting up”
Odds: I think this song will go really far, but I think in the end the language barrier will keep it down. While Serbia won a few backs for a ballad that wasn’t translated, that song didn’t seem so built for Eurovision and damn if that singer didn’t fucking James Brown it and almost need to be carried out at the end. Top 10.
Suggested Staging Trick: You got a beautiful girl who’s definitely needs to be front and center, but get her a dress than doesn’t look like lingerie. When they had the wind machine the back was awkward and she was most likely accidently flashing the back camera which come to think about it, might get her some votes. I would try to put that string group we hear on some kind of side platform just for show, because everyone loves watching string players.
FYR Macedonia-
Gjoko Taneski- Jas Ja Imam Silata
Performer: The official entry has it just as him but I’m told from various online sources that the rapper and solo guitarists are to be credited as featuring, but i'm too lazy to learn about them. Gjoko has been on the Macedonian music scene since 96 but only really broke through once he FINALLY released a full album in 2007. Who would have thought releasing music commercially could make you sucessful? anyway, most interesting thing about him is the fact that he's enrolled at the Faculty of Toursin in the University of Tourism and Management. I'm not sure if that makes him a teacher, since he only qualification seems to be travelling, or if they just use the word faculty different in Macedonia.
Staging: While the staging is kinda lame in his prelim, He at least realized that to see the song he needs the guitarists with him, He can sell it a bit but not as well as his fellow Baltic. A rapper who would most likely be murdered if he stepped in Bed-Stuy with that attitude comes on for about a bar. What he’s doing there I don’t know. Then just walks away to stand in the back. He is followed by Macedonian Slash who gives us our Eurovision moment of rock. FemurSlash ( MUNers used to call the Former Yugosalvian Republic of Macedonia FYMR- pronounced like the bone) is smart enough to stick around and play with the other on stage musicians
Song: Here’s the thing. I think that without the rap this song would be great. I don’t know the lyrics but it still at least sounds good, the singer is competent and the guest guitarist is awesome with the backing orchestra. He isn’t struggling like the Bosnian While not as good as Linkin Park, it reminds me of that epic dilemma where it’s like “man….the singer is A LOT better than the rapper. I wonder if he knows?” and then someone made that mix combining linkin park singing parts and music with Jay z raps and it was like “well fuck, way to let him down easy by just replacing him.” I could definitely see myself bopping around in the car to this. And not just as a Macedonian. My Polish Ska/punk mixtape was AWESOME for sunny days on Kensington.
Funniest Lyric: The rapper’s silence when he won’t participate with the rest of the performers but won’t leave the stage.
Odds: I think that rapper is bringing him down A LOT. On top of this fact we got the singer from Bosnia who supposedly has the big Baltic fan base and will I think cut more into his countries voters than he will into theirs. I hope this advances over Thunder and Lightning but I fear for it.
Suggesting Staging Trick: Put the drummer in his traditional Position backing up the band instead of extreme right. Have rapper and guitarist come from Stage left back and stage right back when they do come in instead of center back.
In addition, I would make the rapper at least pretend to like the rest of the band or entirely get off the stage. Don’t just stand in the back like an idiot.
Belarus
3+2 – Butterflies
Performer: The 3+2 refers to the fact that it’s a group of 5 singers, 3 girls and 2 boys. They all seem relatively young and are all good looking, so of course they are a manufactured group. At least two of the girls are related, so that makes it seem a little better. They were actually chosen with a different song and then random neighboring countries were like "well, we didn't get our choices into Eurovision, Let us help you instead." so this song was composed for them by a Belarusan and a Polack. I find it enraging i can't find their live clip to see if they hold up live but since the song was chosen post getting the position I can see why they wouldn't have a live production of it yet.
Staging: Aggravatingly I cannot find a live version of the song, but I assume their video isn’t going to be much different than their video. Where they just stand side by side in spotlights with a piano on stage and then some kind of confetti effect towards the end to make the butterflies flying everywhere effect
Song: Say what you will about it being a possibly hokey song, but these kids harmonize well together. The boys are the only ones who get solos, which is kinda aggravating because I feel like one of the girls might be amazing. The second male, who gets to sing more, is a little more flexible in his voice. First guy sounds a little stiff. I really enjoy that instead of just being piano and soft strings the entire time they made a little march out of the middle with the drum and made the strings super powerful at the end. The lyrics all seem pretty retarded but you forget to pay attention with the overpowering feel of pretty. They don’t have any direct competition because their song doesn’t try to come to vocal power end but more for the overwhelming harmony of noise working together so they don’t really fight the balladers in this semi but they don’t fight the others either.
Funniest lyric: “We are so fragile just like melting snow”...that's not fragile
Odds: For some reason I can’t describe I see these kids going far. I’m really hoping that they steal the “omg look a cute boy” vote away from Serbia and Belgium and some of the “look at these good modest kids who seem vaguely Christian” from the crazies who try to go for Latvia, or even the “hey that’s classically pretty vote” from Malta. I think that’s how they will advance actually. They’ll have their country and some people who genuinely like the song the best, but I think they’ll also just steal from votes of others without having to worry about those people taking their votes.
Suggested Staging Trick: In the Music video they literally implode into a million butterflies. While this is, unfortunately, impossible for a human being to do, I think they are onto something. Instead of having the eventual butterfly effects fall from above, I think they should shout out from the sides and back of them so they have time to float up and down. The best though is if they could find millions of butterflies which were all for sure going to die 30 minutes form the start of the song so they can get everyone off stage and out of the stadium before Butterfly corpses start raining down like a plague.
Iceland
Hera Bjork- Je Ne Sais Quoi
Performer: Hera Bjork was born in 72, which makes her a lot older than most the entries. Her mother was a famous pop star as well. All her competition wins are pre Idol so I doubt they were won the same way and she’s been in a ton of musicals. She has been in two variety shows, one of them as co-host for Iceland’s “Whose line is it anyway”. She has some kind of master’s in voice and is one of the voices on the more famous Bjork’s “Medulla” album. She has one way or another been involved in a Eurovision entry since 2007 but this is her first time at the big show.
Staging: Solo singer with a Martha Walsh build. She’s got pretty standard floaty weightless imagery with flying images and some smoke machines. The singer has the cutest little head shake dance that makes me want to be best friends with her. Only real dancing besides that is when she and background dancers aggressively walk to center stage from the left.
Song: I always wondered what it was like to be in the gay club scene in the 1990s, and now I know. This song so on point early 90s, from structure and synth noise selection to the uplifiting theme of I’m a complete person and you and I are meant to be. The “Je Ne Sais Quoi: might as well be called “Gay dar” if it had enough syllables. It’s definitely fun and something people can easily get into without effort. It helps that the singer is basically just singing at full power the majority of the time.
Odds: Must make it past semis- I feel like it should be Top 5 material for it's almost American Pyscho esque way of not being able to be offensive.
Funniest Lyric: “Je ne sais quoi, I know you have a special something. Je ne sais quoi, oh, something I just can’t explain” Cause I can explain it. You’re gay and on more meth than thought possible while at the filming of Paris is Burning.
Suggested Stage Trick: I feel like this could use just some dancers that are doing their own thing while she lords over them as a god of disco. Maybe make it somehow a storyline with two dancers seeing each other across the stage and ending in the beginning of a steamy romance.
Performer: Hera Bjork was born in 72, which makes her a lot older than most the entries. Her mother was a famous pop star as well. All her competition wins are pre Idol so I doubt they were won the same way and she’s been in a ton of musicals. She has been in two variety shows, one of them as co-host for Iceland’s “Whose line is it anyway”. She has some kind of master’s in voice and is one of the voices on the more famous Bjork’s “Medulla” album. She has one way or another been involved in a Eurovision entry since 2007 but this is her first time at the big show.
Staging: Solo singer with a Martha Walsh build. She’s got pretty standard floaty weightless imagery with flying images and some smoke machines. The singer has the cutest little head shake dance that makes me want to be best friends with her. Only real dancing besides that is when she and background dancers aggressively walk to center stage from the left.
Song: I always wondered what it was like to be in the gay club scene in the 1990s, and now I know. This song so on point early 90s, from structure and synth noise selection to the uplifiting theme of I’m a complete person and you and I are meant to be. The “Je Ne Sais Quoi: might as well be called “Gay dar” if it had enough syllables. It’s definitely fun and something people can easily get into without effort. It helps that the singer is basically just singing at full power the majority of the time.
Odds: Must make it past semis- I feel like it should be Top 5 material for it's almost American Pyscho esque way of not being able to be offensive.
Funniest Lyric: “Je ne sais quoi, I know you have a special something. Je ne sais quoi, oh, something I just can’t explain” Cause I can explain it. You’re gay and on more meth than thought possible while at the filming of Paris is Burning.
Suggested Stage Trick: I feel like this could use just some dancers that are doing their own thing while she lords over them as a god of disco. Maybe make it somehow a storyline with two dancers seeing each other across the stage and ending in the beginning of a steamy romance.
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